By Mark Beck
•
18 Mar, 2024
What is a sign of trouble in a relationship? Lots of people might say conflict is a red flag. But that’s not necessarily so. Conflict is fairly inevitable. No two people can agree on everything all the time. Indeed, who would want to? Conflict isn’t the problem. It’s conflict that escalates. It’s conflict that becomes combat, conversations that become confrontations. Now, THAT spells trouble. The renowned relationship researcher John Gottman discovered that roughly two thirds of what couples disagree on…they’ll never agree on. Matters of taste, opinion, personality, preference are what he calls “perpetual problems.” And couples can be perfectly happy “agreeing to disagree.” In fact, Gottman says that the goal with these issues is not to win the argument or get your way. Life is not always a zero sum game. The goal is to maintain a dialogue. Keep the conversation going where you listen, not to win; you listen to learn. Couples who can respect their partner’s different viewpoint can actually enrich each other, even as they disagree. But, what about conflict where someone feels hurt, unheard, unimportant, unwanted? What about when a transgression has occurred? That’s a different type of conflict, but every couple has faced it. This is more often where and when conversations become confrontations and conflict becomes combat. This is where conflict often escalates.