Here Come the Four Horsemen

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Here Come the Four Horsemen

Picture this pleasant scenario with your partner: you have a complaint. You’ve tried to overlook it, but you’re fed up. You’re irritated, so your complaint has a critical edge. “Why don’t you ever get home from work on time? You’re always late.”

Your partner, feeling unfairly blamed, is understandably defensive.

“I’m not always late. And why are you so negative?”

You might trade these attack/defend barbs for a while, neither feeling heard. But, then someone raises the bar and things get hotter.

“You’re so self-centered. Why in the world did I marry someone so thoughtless?”

“Me self-centered? That’s insane! You are disgusting!”

Now, the gloves are off. You’ve escalated and things have gotten personal…you’re going for the jugular. This is intense and painful and will likely last until someone taps out.

“That’s it; I’m done! I’m out of here.” One of you shuts down and becomes a stone wall. The conversation stops, but not the conflict.

Maybe for an hour or a day, or longer (I’ve seen it last for years) it’s a Cold War, or at least an uneasy truce.

Slowly, the smoke clears and eventually things get back to a kind of normal—until the next explosion.

And the more it happens, the further apart you and your partner become, to harder it is to reconnect and the more desperate your love feels.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

We’ve All Been There

You’ve been stampeded by what John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling). It’s a familiar and troubling pattern for countless couples in conflict. Gottman has discovered in his decades of research that the Four Horsemen will eventually destroy any relationship if couples don’t corral them.

Strange as it sounds, conflict management is key to any happy relationship. Conflict happens—and, strangely enough, conflict is not a sign of trouble. Rather, how we manage it tells the tale.

Couples who can’t learn to change the conversation, go deeper and understand what’s really going on when they spark are in for a rough ride. And, given the divorce statistics we’ve all heard, many, many couples need more help than they get.

You Can Change the Conversation

That’s why Vicki Kennedy and I do what we do. We’re both couples therapists and, for more than five years now, we’ve been leading Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats near Orlando FL. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day experience for couples that helps them makes sense of what so often doesn’t. It’s rooted in attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, generally considered the gold standard for couples care.

Conflict is not just scary in a relationship; it’s confounding. Why and how do we get so stuck in these endless cycles? Why do we get so wound up? And why does it seem that no one else impacts us like our partner, the one we love more than anyone else?

A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat helps couples slow down, corral the Four Horsemen and begin to make sense of those raging cycles. And making sense of it is the best place to start. What we can understand, we can manage and change.

Take Charge of Your Relationship

Wouldn’t you love to understand your cycle—and know how to interrupt it? Wouldn’t it be great, even in the heat of the moment, to turn toward your partner rather than turning away (or worse, turning against)?

Hold Me Tight®️ will show you how. In two days together, you and your partner can come to understand your moves in this dance of love. And even better, you can learn new moves. You can bring the Four Horsemen to heel and have a different kind of conversation…a conversation instead of a confrontation…a conversation that heals and comforts your heart.

A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is not therapy. It’s a low key, two day experience with other couples facing the same challenges and seeking the same connection as you and your partner. Learn how much you and others have in common. You will get to practice new conversations in real time…conversations for connection. You go at your own pace. No one is put on the spot. We don’t twist arms. We don’t push you; we point you toward deeper, closer connection, which is what we all really want. You will leave with a road map for closeness that you never you could have…never knew how to have.

Time for a Change

You and your partner really can get there. Get in on it today. Our next Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is in April. Join us in sunny Florida in the Spring and give your love a boost.

Learn more about Vicki and Mark
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