What Do We Do with Conflict?

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What Do We Do With Conflict?

What is a sign of trouble in a relationship? Lots of people might say conflict is a red flag. But that’s not necessarily so. Conflict is fairly inevitable. No two people can agree on everything all the time. Indeed, who would want to? Conflict isn’t the problem. It’s conflict that escalates. It’s conflict that becomes combat, conversations that become confrontations. Now, THAT spells trouble.

The renowned relationship researcher John Gottman discovered that roughly two thirds of what couples disagree on…they’ll never agree on. Matters of taste, opinion, personality, preference are what he calls “perpetual problems.” And couples can be perfectly happy “agreeing to disagree.” In fact, Gottman says that the goal with these issues is not to win the argument or get your way. Life is not always a zero sum game. The goal is to maintain a dialogue. Keep the conversation going where you listen, not to win; you listen to learn. Couples who can respect their partner’s different viewpoint can actually enrich each other, even as they disagree.

But, what about conflict where someone feels hurt, unheard, unimportant, unwanted? What about when a transgression has occurred? That’s a different type of conflict, but every couple has faced it. This is more often where and when conversations become confrontations and conflict becomes combat. This is where conflict often escalates.

It’s Not About Chores

Small skirmishes over who does which chores when, who spent how much on what and how often sex happens can become major standoffs and real offenses.

And most couples have familiar, predictable (albeit unproductive) patterns for managing these problems. In fact, what you argue about almost doesn’t matter. You could replace one topic with any other and the conversations go surprisingly the same—and usually downhill! That’s because, in fact, it’s not about the topic. It’s not about money or sex or chores or in-laws. Those are window dressing. The conflict is about something deeper: deeper needs, deeper fears. At the end of the day, it’s about what we call “attachment:” attachment fears, attachment needs.

More Than Meets the Eye

And that is what we teach and learn—that and much more—at our Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats in Florida. We learn that, when it comes to conflict, often, much more is going on than meets the eye, much more than what appears on the surface.

We learn from the fascinating science of attachment that all humans seek and need a safe connection, the comfort and confidence of a partner who sees us and values us and supports and believes in us. If that isn’t happening, even minor slights become major fights. It’s scary and discouraging and many couples give up and throw in the towel for lack of knowing what else to do.

Safe Connection is the Key

But, when we know that our partner is there for us in all those important ways, our relationship is sound and strong. We see and say the best in one another. We want the best for one another. Disagreements are less threatening and solutions have a way of coming to themselves.

Imagine a relationship where you don’t hide from conflict, where conversations don’t become confrontations. Imagine that you could actually manage hurts or disagreements and be closer afterward.

Man, you’d be bulletproof!

You CAN Get There!

I promise, it’s not a pipe dream. Healthy attachment is how you do it. It’s the hidden key to managing conflict. Hold Me Tight®️ will give you a road map to get there. And with that map, tough things get easier. You can find hope when things get hard. Problems become manageable. Hurts can heal.

That sounds like a lot of ground to cover in just two days at a Hold Me Tight®️ retreat. But, don’t take my word for it. Come to sunny Florida in April and see for yourself. Learn to have the conversations you didn’t know how to have…didn’t know you could have and find the connection you’ve always wanted with the one you love.

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