Solution Focused Couples

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Solution Focused Couples

In his book entitled “Do One Thing Different,” author Bill O’ Hanlon teaches solution focused skills that seem simple, but can be life changing. Solution focused skills work in all types of settings, especially marriage. To be solution focused is just what the term implies—it’s focusing on what works, not what doesn’t, focusing on strengths rather than weaknesses.

Two Solution Focused Rules

For example, two cardinal rules are always true.

First, you see what you look for. When a relationship is in trouble, partners overwhelmingly see the negative in the other. And, when you see negative, it’s hard to see anything else. If you believe your partner is selfish or uncaring, you will find evidence to prove your case—and NOTHING your partner does to the contrary will dissuade you. You see what you look for.

AND…the second truth then is: what you focus on, you magnify. The more faults and failures you find in your partner, the more prominent and pervasive they seem. Again, you miss anything otherwise. The bad drowns out anything good. And if you do see something good, you discount it. What you focus on, you magnify. This destructive pattern can do great damage and be very hard to break.

Change Your Viewing, Change Your Doing

Solution focused skills help you to change your “viewing,” then change your “doing.” To change your viewing is to change how you see your partner and your relationship. And, how you see a situation determines how you act in it. Changing your viewing will change your doing.

This is some of what we do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day group experience of learning and doing, all rooted in science and research, attachment science. Couples learn why and how they struggle. (And for the record, the problem is NOT your partner.) In the heat of the moment, conflict can be confusing and confounding. Battles seem to pop up with no warning and no brakes. They run away with us and leave us feeling alone, discouraged and seeing only the negative.

Make Sense of What Doesn’t

But, believe it or not, conflict need not be so confusing. It really does make sense. There is real logic to what happens when we focus on (and magnify) the negative in our relationship. And what we can understand, we can change.

Hold Me Tight®️ helps us change our viewing. We begin to see our relationship not as a lost cause and our partner not as an adversary, but as someone who wants and needs just what we do: safety and connection. It’s just that we often go about trying to get those things very differently.

And, once we see our relationship and our partner differently, we can change our doing. We can change our destructive patterns, whether we pursue our partner or pull away in the heat of the moment. We can learn instead to “turn toward” our partner, reassure and comfort rather than keep spinning around and around in chaos.

Hold Me Tight Gets It Done

Hold Me Tight®️ has some of the best results in the business. Couples routinely say they changed in just two days in ways they never thought they could. Whether your relationship is in real distress or you just want to make a good thing better, Hold Me Tight®️ is a great place to start. Our next workshop is just around the corner. Get in on it today!

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Picture this pleasant scenario with your partner: you have a complaint. You’ve tried to overlook it, but you’re fed up. You’re irritated, so your complaint has a critical edge. “Why don’t you ever get home from work on time? You’re always late.” Your partner, feeling unfairly blamed, is understandably defensive. “I’m not always late. And why are you so negative?” You might trade these attack/defend barbs for a while, neither feeling heard. But, then someone raises the bar and things get hotter. “You’re so self-centered. Why in the world did I marry someone so thoughtless?” “Me self-centered? That’s insane! You are disgusting!” Now, the gloves are off. You’ve escalated and things have gotten personal…you’re going for the jugular. This is intense and painful and will likely last until someone taps out. “That’s it; I’m done! I’m out of here.” One of you shuts down and becomes a stone wall. The conversation stops, but not the conflict. Maybe for an hour or a day, or longer (I’ve seen it last for years) it’s a Cold War, or at least an uneasy truce. Slowly, the smoke clears and eventually things get back to a kind of normal—until the next explosion. And the more it happens, the further apart you and your partner become, to harder it is to reconnect and the more desperate your love feels. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

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