More Than Meets the Eye

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What's Happening Below the Surface?

This week marks the 112th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. The ship they called “unsinkable” proved otherwise when she struck an iceberg in the North Atlantic on April 15, 1912. Among many other lessons, we learned that night that the lion’s share of an iceberg’s mass and force lies beneath the waterline: unseen, hidden, but very present. Much more is there than meets the eye. Indeed, less than twenty percent of an iceberg is visible above the ocean’s surface. The part you can’t see constitutes the real danger.

More Than Meets the Eye

That’s actually a great metaphor for relationships in distress. Couple conflict is always possible, but never pleasant. Most couples have familiar, predictable patterns for managing their distress. One partner might turn up their energy and try to “get through” to the other. They might get critical or assertive. They might press for answers or information in hopes of reconnecting. The other partner, perhaps feeling attacked or blamed, might pull away or shut down, hoping to keep the peace. The more one partner “pursues,” the more the other “withdraws.” The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues. This self-sustaining cycle only perpetuates the disconnection. Each partner is convinced that the other is not there for them, perhaps doesn’t love them or doesn’t want to be with them. This cycle can go on almost indefinitely. It’s painful and many couples eventually lose hope and give up.

But, in cycles like that, just as with icebergs, much more is there than meets the eye. A great deal is happening beneath the surface—for each partner—that seldom gets spoken or acknowledged. Each partner has an inner experience that they likely don’t show (and may not even know) unless or until they slow down and look under the waterline.

Vulnerable and Valuable

Partners may see anger or indifference, rage or retreat on the surface in the heat of their conflict. But they may not realize that underneath are other powerful emotions: fear, sadness, shame and so on that they seldom recognize, much less verbalize. These are vulnerable emotions, not easy to show or share. They are vulnerable, but they are also valuable. Just like an iceberg, these “underneath” emotions are the force and power of any relationship conflict. They are also where couples heal. Unless or until couples get “under the waterline” with one another, they will struggle and likely never really connect deeply.

But, deep connection is where relationships thrive. All humans seek a safe, lifelong emotional connection. We crave connection from cradle to coffin. We were born to bond.

Lessons of Attachment

These are lessons learned from decades of research in attachment science. This and much more is what you and your partner will get at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. You’ll learn to recognize and make sense of your conflict cycle. You will learn how good intentions often bring bad results when trying to manage that conflict. And you will learn what’s beneath your waterline and how to share it with your partner.

Hold Me Tight®️ is two days of insight and interaction that can truly transform your relationship. Hold Me Tight®️ has given countless couples hope and confidence that they never knew they could find. So, whether you’ve been together for a few months or many years, whether you are truly struggling or you just want to make a good relationship better, Hold Me Tight®️ is for you. Give your connection the boost it truly needs. Get in on our next Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat in Florida. It’s just a few weeks away. Don’t miss out!

Learn more about Vicki and Mark.

Get ready for a transformational experience.

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